VOICES: Insecurities of Rape

I wanna fuck
No you know what? No
I want love
Through and through I want to love.

But it’s mostly my fault
That I’m holding back
That I’m scared of the cracks
On the resolve not to fall
Crash and spill it all

(How scared I was when I met you
It hurt how much I needed to
Stay wrapped up with you
til the afternoon
There’s something about you)

(We seem to be doing alright
What we’re doing’s all right
doing each other so right all night)

I’m addicted to pleasure
as a counter measure
don’t seem so put together

a mess of 23

but you don’t understand
the first time someone took me
by the hand
I was still stuck in fairy tale land
ein märchen – ein mädchen
was only five he was a man
who was interested in my underpants

(it’s months or maybe a year this guy
had me walk to our spot every other day
I wasn’t allowed to say a thing anyway
Though I did)

I did but no one wanted to hear me out
Is that my fault
Feel shame I can’t differentiate between
what’s good what’s not
I admit a broken heart
When they took him away I was torn apart

(He’d been the only one who’d seen
to know they should believe

Love I need
someone to see me

(my body on the bed
and to see me instead
to see
be rough with the pain
to hold me
make it go away)

to be seen the first time
not when I can’t smile
not with my hips perched high
when my walls are broken down
I wish you could see me

(You don’t know what it feels like to think
that my primary reason to exist
is to be fucked by a guy by some guy
who doesn’t give a shit
he’s stronger than I
so try believing otherwise try speaking up
when with him no doesn’t mean stop)

try struggling for air when you can’t breathe
when you forgeot that you deserve to fight
because you deserve to live

Do you know what it is
that keeps you going when you give
that’s how it is
the tough keep going
keep fighting
if you wanna live
going midnless in therapy
breathing hard digging deep

one in five
is like I

And i can’t take it
what about my body cries
to be groped to be fucked
to be bruised like peaches
like pompelmouse a fruit
they claim some right to

(I wish i could love my body
the way I want you to)

So no I don’t think you care
you’re a guy who’s had his dick inside
and yeah it’s a fun ride
you’ll get over it big guy
you’ll be fine

(How would I know the difference anyway
between love and fear or
love and abuse or love and you)

You say you do and you
But why should I believe this
Why should I
Why should I
It’s not like you could change anything
Or that the odds are in
my favour.