Is it on? . okay

And you just want me to talk like
into there. okay. cool

Right.
.
.
So i don’t really know where to
Start cause the beginning is so Far back
and now
right this moment
I’m here and the pain is too it’s rising
in my chest like it’s bubbling violently
the selzer style tablets that
just start oxidating until they fall apart
until they’re just water..

Yeah I mean it’s been this way for. ever man. forever. it feels like
time doesn’t really matter with this kind of pain you keep going back
and back again that’s trauma though isn’t it? – being crazed by pain
you can’t live without you don’t want to because what’s left there when
the pain is gone just
A void
avoid avoid because you’re gonna be afraid so much fear man you don’t even. know. you don’t understand the kind of fear that makes you want to run back to all that
if you don’t you’ll be sad and empty
anyway you’ll fall down anyway eventually so
many drugs many days
just soaring far away until you crash and fall you lose
all just to build a wall
making the ones on the outside pay
by not letting them in not letting them lend a hand and help you understand that the pain stays
anyway
so
might as well embrace it
a life without some passion some teeth gritting
and nights filled with demonic self-absorbtion between one bullet and five
chances to leave – wouldn’t be worth the sweat and grease –
you know there are nights where i roll the dice i give that good ol’ model 60
a chance to end it all but
she never did
maybe I just wish she would take the pain. not me.
but you can’t get one without the other
that’s what this all has taught me.
get one without the other and you can’t feel a thing.

fucking human dilemma
duality on a spectrum
that’s what we are
ying and yang fucking each other
mixing it up with a little chaos
flowing into each other
not having shape if they are without which they
cannot be and yet share everything with..
:
I always get dark when i talk about life but
I actually do like it. some parts. the part. where
i felt like the only thing i could be was me.
even if that me had a dark past or a broken heart or
fears the size of suns and sons.
.
sorry. i’m getting a little off track here aren’t i?
no?
Why do you need to record this anyway like it’s not
that much. like information or something..

lab coats..
anyway
.
as i was saying if yesterday hadn’t happened
then I wouldn’t have today and yet with that knowledge
i project the past into my future and wonder
when i wander in circles in cycles right back to
where i started where i begun
the path i’ve been on
yeah
i’ve seen the arch angel Michael
– not that I’m a christian but i’m just saying –
I saw him warn me not to take the path he’s the keeper
of the wayward folk .. anyway
I know I keep doing the same thing over and over
I don’t change it because confrontation rips my
skin open, shreds my muscles to the bone
yields my core wide open to dissect again but my insides
they’re still swollen they’re still suffering from the inflammed
the tortured
the sensitivity to the pain.
Ugh . I need a moment.
.
.
.
Right. anyway.
I was saying Oh also thank you for the water

Right so what i lost when i got hurt
wasn’t pride or joy or innocence
it was faith in myself I lost the trust in who I was
and who I knew to be and who knows maybe
that’s what innocence was meant to be before we
used it’s carnage to cover the knowledge of the human
soul and all the struggles we call sin
that come with having it.
.
Yeah I don’t know what else you want me to say
I’m getting help currently, which is why I’m doing this. It’ll be cool
to listen to these at the end of the program. I’m excited about that I guess.
And tomorrow we’re all going on a hike. A bunch of rehab junkies in the woods
.Wonder how long it’ll take em to find something smoke-able. or edible. Haha
.
.
Anyway. We’re done right? Oh, wait yeah shit of course

This is my first entry. Today is the 24th of March.

KH